After being a foster parent for a while I have had the pleasure (and pain) of being educated in our judicial system with respect to family law. I am no expert by far but after sitting through a number of court sessions for my kids, I at least have a better understanding than your average person. To say that I am completely unimpressed with it, is an understatement. The system is broken at best and isn't protecting the children it is designed to look out for.
The truth of the matter is that children go in and out of care. They are tossed between parents that haven't adequately gotten their issues worked out and rotating foster families. They are put into situations that may not truly be safe for them. They are moved around causing even more emotional trauma. They are at the mercy of court decisions that to outsiders would seem not to be in the best interest of a child. Children die in care and at the hands of their parents every year. These children are silent sufferers and most of our average citizens have no idea what is going on in their own back yards until a headline hits the papers. With the exception of the Marcus Fisel case that raised some awareness, people don't educate themselves with the plight of our youngest and most venerable citizens. I would venture to guess that the average person know more about homelessness than about children in foster care.
The problem is multifaceted. Not only are the children not being helped because the foster system is broken but there are also fewer resources being pumped into the system and no one trying to fix it. There are fewer social workers, there are fewer lawyers and there are fewer resources to put toward foster care. In a time of great economic crisis where the need in the community has become greater, more and more money is being pulled from the budget. Our own county now has to rely on private agencies to administer foster care. Social workers to handle these cases are being laid off, while the number of children coming into the system is doubling. More kids are being sent back to parents who aren't ready to receive them in order to relieve the economic stress. Also, the current laws still don't favor children's rights, they favor parental rights. Bottom-line, you have a lot going on with little being done about it.
If it were up to me there would be a complete overhall and this is what I would do. We would put more money into the system rather than continue to take money out. We would use programs that assist social workers and help retain the good ones. It would allow us to get rid of the bad social workers because the need wouldn't be so great. I also would want more programs that aim to find more and better foster parents. Finally, we would generate more awareness in the community that foster care and foster kids are important and are worthy of our support.
Most importantly, I would also look at the current laws. Though it is true that you can stop a parent from being a bad parent. Everyone deserves the right to mess up their kids so to speak. We do howeveer, seem to err on the side of the parents rights rather than children's rights. No one wants to take away children for no apparent reason or because we believe that some people make better parents than others. We still shouldn't be able to allow children to go home to doubious situations. The line of what makes a parent a bad parent enough to have their child taken away is so thin and so extreme that only those who may actually kill their children lose them. If they are just a little banged up and we don't have copious amounts of prove of exactly the parent that did it, children stay put. Also, we have no problem giving children to relatives who may not be able to keep them safe either. I was in once case where the background check on a girlfriend hadn't even been complete yet when they were handing a child to his biological son. It begs the question, why take a child away at all?
One of our biggest flaw is that we rarely, truly rehabilitate and educate parents. We need to work more with biological parents. Additionally, Parents should truly have to prove that they recognize the issues in their home and prove they have plans in place so that the same issues will not re-occur. However, we need to be sure we are giving the parents the resourcse and training to do this. Even though parents get a service plan. Often they are flawed and get little appropriate follow up.
Also, we need to look at and encourage the law to not always err on the side of the easiest thing to do. Often judges and prosecuters will send children home to environments they know probably won't be safe because they live in fear of law suits and appeals. If they don't have a rock-solid black and white case they find themselves just sending kids back whether parents are ready to take on that responsibility or not.
There also needs to be better monitoring of foster homes. There also needs to be marketing and support for getting and retaining more good foster parents. There seems to be a huge difference between the good and the bad foster homes; what makes the difference is the motivation. Some are doing this because they want to make money by taking in as many children as possible. Then there are others like ourselves who want to potentially adopt so we take very good care of the children we get in because eventually they may be our own. There are some good christian folks that do this because they feel called to do it. Also there are grandparents whose children have all grown up that do this. We need to encourage the folks that want to do this because they want to help the children and discourage the people who do this for money.
The first thing would be to cap the number of children a home can take to discourage those who do this for the money. Better to have more homes but with fewer children in them. They would need a special license if they take more than the cap and it's only for the purpose of keeping an entire large family together. They couldn't have more than that family and would also have to be at a certain income so the money they get for it is a nice bonus but not needed to support the family.
The real kicker for me is that every week when I drive past our Job and Family Services building I see right next door the new casino that is going up. It is good to know where our money is being spent. *said in a sarcastic tone of voice*. Honestly, I don't blame JFS. I have had the priviledge of working with some of the better socialworkers and GAL's I know they are working with the very limited amount of resources they have. I just really wish that in the city I live in, they got far more support because if they got support our children would get support. Let's serve the children!
Monday, July 30, 2012
Thursday, March 31, 2011
There Must Be A Reason
There must be a reason
The day I choose to quit, I get a phone call
There must be a reason
The day I think of giving up
I get a second chance
There must be a reason
The second I think this is too good to be true
I find you!
You never know the outcome, until you travel down the path
It may not be what you expect but with you it will last.
Seek God in all things and he won't let you down
That is why he is in heaven and wearing the crown.
The day I choose to quit, I get a phone call
There must be a reason
The day I think of giving up
I get a second chance
There must be a reason
The second I think this is too good to be true
I find you!
You never know the outcome, until you travel down the path
It may not be what you expect but with you it will last.
Seek God in all things and he won't let you down
That is why he is in heaven and wearing the crown.
The Biggest Job Ever
I think finally I have been given a job by God that is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I honestly don't know if I can do this. I think I am going to just have to ask him for support every single day for the rest of my days for this because this could literally just break my heart.
A little over two weeks ago I got a call for little premie twin girls with a possibility of adoption. Of course I said yes and they are an incredible blessing. It is hard and tiring work but I can't imagine it being any different. The truly hard part however, is that there is still a possibility that they may be going home. The dad seems bent on trying to actually parent. I don't blame him really but he is a sex offender, and he may also have some developmental delays. How they can even consider this man to be a father to these children is beyond me. The mom can't parent because she is severely delayed and has only an IQ of 59.
I have to just guard my heart and every day my heart is in my throat thinking that I am doing all this work to help them and I may just have to let them go. How on earth I am going to be able to do that I have no idea. I just pray and pray that He will see me through this because this one I just can't make it on my own.
A little over two weeks ago I got a call for little premie twin girls with a possibility of adoption. Of course I said yes and they are an incredible blessing. It is hard and tiring work but I can't imagine it being any different. The truly hard part however, is that there is still a possibility that they may be going home. The dad seems bent on trying to actually parent. I don't blame him really but he is a sex offender, and he may also have some developmental delays. How they can even consider this man to be a father to these children is beyond me. The mom can't parent because she is severely delayed and has only an IQ of 59.
I have to just guard my heart and every day my heart is in my throat thinking that I am doing all this work to help them and I may just have to let them go. How on earth I am going to be able to do that I have no idea. I just pray and pray that He will see me through this because this one I just can't make it on my own.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
"Just Be" is really about "Letting Go"
I think that one of the reasons that this is my theme this year is because I really need to let go of some things.
The first thing I am trying to let go of is trying to get another child in my life. The hard thing is that I have been with out a foster child in my home for 2 1/2 months. I was very happy with him and we miss him very much. Even if he had stayed he would have had to go back to his dad. It is very hard to remember that most of the time these things don't end up as an adoption. Also, it is pretty likely that I will not be able to have any more children of my own. I need to accept that I may be just the Mom of Lily and that's OK.
The second thing I need to let go of is that I will ever be thin again. I have to face the fact that somewhere in the middle is OK. If I can do that maybe I will be more successful at losing weight and keeping it off. As long as I am healthy that is the most important part. Better to be 20 - 40 lbs lighter and not on high blood pressure medications. I am not 20 any more and I am not trying to look or act 20 years old. I am over 40 and I am not in competition with the younger gals. My metabolism just isn't what it used to be and I really don't need to beat myself up over it. I really don't need to be in skinny designer jeans.
I think we all reach points of "mid-life crisis" so to speak. I wouldn't say this is a crisis but I would say it is a realization that I may not get everything I want in life. I am used to being able to work hard to get what it is I want. The trouble is that I am not able to do that in these situations and it is highly frustrating to me. There are limitations to what I can do. I have to accept that just because I did my best doesn't mean I always reach the goal but that is alright and I will be fine. It is not a failure!
I still have so many other things in my life I should be exceptionally happy about. I am happy about them but it is hard to not focus sometimes on what I lost. This is where "Just be" and "Let Go" come in. You can't "be" until you "let go" of the things that are not allowing you to enjoy this moment. Love really is all there is and if we can fill our loss with that, we can see things new. We can't take away the things that hurt us but we can find a way to move forward.
The other big issue that is keeping me from moving forward is that I know there are two other things I can still try. The first is that I can hang tight in the foster program and just hope one of the children comes up for adoption. We are sort of doing that anyway. However, it leaves me wondering when I might get another call. The second is that I can lose weight and I can try donor embryo. The difficulty is that this keeps that hope alive and therefore my heartache. I can't do anything until I lose the weight so my progress on one is interfering with the other and has the potential to wreak havoc on my psyche. I am trying to balance keeping that in the back of my mind and moving forward. I just need to give it to God I guess and ask him to help me let it go so I can just be.
The first thing I am trying to let go of is trying to get another child in my life. The hard thing is that I have been with out a foster child in my home for 2 1/2 months. I was very happy with him and we miss him very much. Even if he had stayed he would have had to go back to his dad. It is very hard to remember that most of the time these things don't end up as an adoption. Also, it is pretty likely that I will not be able to have any more children of my own. I need to accept that I may be just the Mom of Lily and that's OK.
The second thing I need to let go of is that I will ever be thin again. I have to face the fact that somewhere in the middle is OK. If I can do that maybe I will be more successful at losing weight and keeping it off. As long as I am healthy that is the most important part. Better to be 20 - 40 lbs lighter and not on high blood pressure medications. I am not 20 any more and I am not trying to look or act 20 years old. I am over 40 and I am not in competition with the younger gals. My metabolism just isn't what it used to be and I really don't need to beat myself up over it. I really don't need to be in skinny designer jeans.
I think we all reach points of "mid-life crisis" so to speak. I wouldn't say this is a crisis but I would say it is a realization that I may not get everything I want in life. I am used to being able to work hard to get what it is I want. The trouble is that I am not able to do that in these situations and it is highly frustrating to me. There are limitations to what I can do. I have to accept that just because I did my best doesn't mean I always reach the goal but that is alright and I will be fine. It is not a failure!
I still have so many other things in my life I should be exceptionally happy about. I am happy about them but it is hard to not focus sometimes on what I lost. This is where "Just be" and "Let Go" come in. You can't "be" until you "let go" of the things that are not allowing you to enjoy this moment. Love really is all there is and if we can fill our loss with that, we can see things new. We can't take away the things that hurt us but we can find a way to move forward.
The other big issue that is keeping me from moving forward is that I know there are two other things I can still try. The first is that I can hang tight in the foster program and just hope one of the children comes up for adoption. We are sort of doing that anyway. However, it leaves me wondering when I might get another call. The second is that I can lose weight and I can try donor embryo. The difficulty is that this keeps that hope alive and therefore my heartache. I can't do anything until I lose the weight so my progress on one is interfering with the other and has the potential to wreak havoc on my psyche. I am trying to balance keeping that in the back of my mind and moving forward. I just need to give it to God I guess and ask him to help me let it go so I can just be.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Simple Changes
I went to the doctor today for the first time in almost a year. UGGHH!!! and I am back on my high blood pressure medication again until I lose weight and keep it off. I am just sick of this. As much as I complain about how the world really is very negative about big people, I need to lose weight for my health. It is one thing to cast my die in with the larger lot, but it's another to die because I have let my health get out of control.
On the one hand I hate it! No one likes to diet or exercise. I thought maybe in order to help myself psychologically and physically I won't be as dramatic about my weight loss this time. Hopefully, this way I will see this as helping myself rather than torturing myself and therefore I will stick with it for life rather than fall off the wagon every time I start.
Here is my strategy. I plan on doing simple changes little by little and just sticking with what works. I never stick to going to a gym, I have exercise equipment in the basement I don't use, and unless I like it I won't keep it up for long. So!! I want to find things I really like and keep doing them.
For exercise I plan on walking. I love to walk because it is easy and it is "me" time. My doctor suggested that I wear a pedometer everyday and try to get in 10,000 steps a day. That way I don't have to think about when I need to work out or what else is going on. If I look like I am going to be short I can just walk in place in front of my TV at night. It's not about speed or anything else; it's about getting your steps in.
For eating, I do plan to keep track and maybe to a weight watchers program on-line. However, I think if I focus on trying to get at least 5 servings of fruits and vegetables in a day, that will stop me from eating more junk. This way I don't have to think as hard about my diet.
If I do nothing else but make sure I get more fruits and vegetables in and walk, I will lose weight because my physical output is more and my fatty intake is less. Yes there may be days I eat 5 fruits and vegetables and have a candy bar but theoretically if I am filling my stomach up with good foods I won't be as hungry for junk. Plus, the one day I have the candy bar won't kill me and psychologically I may need one candy bar day a month in order to feel like I am not torturing myself.
I do believe that it may take longer to lose weight. However, if I stick with these things I will lose weight over time and I have a greater chance of keeping the weight off. So, here's too success!!
On the one hand I hate it! No one likes to diet or exercise. I thought maybe in order to help myself psychologically and physically I won't be as dramatic about my weight loss this time. Hopefully, this way I will see this as helping myself rather than torturing myself and therefore I will stick with it for life rather than fall off the wagon every time I start.
Here is my strategy. I plan on doing simple changes little by little and just sticking with what works. I never stick to going to a gym, I have exercise equipment in the basement I don't use, and unless I like it I won't keep it up for long. So!! I want to find things I really like and keep doing them.
For exercise I plan on walking. I love to walk because it is easy and it is "me" time. My doctor suggested that I wear a pedometer everyday and try to get in 10,000 steps a day. That way I don't have to think about when I need to work out or what else is going on. If I look like I am going to be short I can just walk in place in front of my TV at night. It's not about speed or anything else; it's about getting your steps in.
For eating, I do plan to keep track and maybe to a weight watchers program on-line. However, I think if I focus on trying to get at least 5 servings of fruits and vegetables in a day, that will stop me from eating more junk. This way I don't have to think as hard about my diet.
If I do nothing else but make sure I get more fruits and vegetables in and walk, I will lose weight because my physical output is more and my fatty intake is less. Yes there may be days I eat 5 fruits and vegetables and have a candy bar but theoretically if I am filling my stomach up with good foods I won't be as hungry for junk. Plus, the one day I have the candy bar won't kill me and psychologically I may need one candy bar day a month in order to feel like I am not torturing myself.
I do believe that it may take longer to lose weight. However, if I stick with these things I will lose weight over time and I have a greater chance of keeping the weight off. So, here's too success!!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
My Theme for 2011 - "Just Be"
The end of 2010 didn't go so well. To be honest it was a mix of blessings and curses. On the one hand we were able to go on a vacation to Tennessee which was nice but just before Christmas our foster placement had to go on to a new home because we were investigated. On top of it Jonny had some tremendous pressures from work this year. It looks like the first part of the new year is the same.
So, I decided that "Just Be" would be my theme. I think to me it signifies letting it all go and trying to live in the moment. The charges were unfounded and things were dropped. Jonny is a day away from stress relief. I am trying hard to use this time to focus on my relationship with Lily rather than obsess about having more children. There are just things out of my control so I am going to do something else rather than sit and obsess.
I have decided that their are just more important things. It's good to follow a dream but sometimes there are bumps in the road and you can't lose sight of the really important stuff. So part of "just being" I think I am going to do the following:
1. Listen to my body more - lately it is unhealthy and screaming for HELP!! I need to eat more healthy and exercise so I can get off my high blood pressure medication.
2. Listen to God more - Sometimes I forget I am not in control and I try to control the world. It's Gods world and I am a guest in it. Maybe if I listened more to what he wants things would go smoother
3. Hang out with my family - There is nothing better than spending time with the one's you love to show you just what the REALLY important things in life are.
So, I decided that "Just Be" would be my theme. I think to me it signifies letting it all go and trying to live in the moment. The charges were unfounded and things were dropped. Jonny is a day away from stress relief. I am trying hard to use this time to focus on my relationship with Lily rather than obsess about having more children. There are just things out of my control so I am going to do something else rather than sit and obsess.
I have decided that their are just more important things. It's good to follow a dream but sometimes there are bumps in the road and you can't lose sight of the really important stuff. So part of "just being" I think I am going to do the following:
1. Listen to my body more - lately it is unhealthy and screaming for HELP!! I need to eat more healthy and exercise so I can get off my high blood pressure medication.
2. Listen to God more - Sometimes I forget I am not in control and I try to control the world. It's Gods world and I am a guest in it. Maybe if I listened more to what he wants things would go smoother
3. Hang out with my family - There is nothing better than spending time with the one's you love to show you just what the REALLY important things in life are.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Ah the In's and Out's of being a foster parent!
Our newest arrival is a total joy! He is an awesome little boy who is definitely developing his own personality. Or maybe, he always had that personality but has been in shell shock and hasn't been able to express it until now. He is funny and loud and a total boy; it's really something we have to get used to. We have had all girls up until now so having Mr. Rough and Tumble has been a little adjustment for us, even for my husband.
Luckily he eats well and sleeps well, mostly. He is basically a good kid even at 1 years old. You can pretty much tell he is not going to be the type that is real trouble. The hard part is that now that we are all adjusting, it will be a waiting game to see what his situation will turn out to be. It looks like his biological Mom and Dad have quite a bit of work to do. I don't want to wish for other people's down fall but I do really hope that our big guy gets to spend some time with us. It looks like at least six months and definitely longer if Mom and Dad can't seem to get it together.
Right now my life is visits and paper work and visitations with bio-parents. I can't get a babysitter if I want to go out. I have to get permission to take him on vacation or even get his hair cut. Right now I can't imagine not having a social worker visit but if it's what I have to do to get this little one taken care of, you know I will be there to do it. How can I not?? He is such a love!
Luckily he eats well and sleeps well, mostly. He is basically a good kid even at 1 years old. You can pretty much tell he is not going to be the type that is real trouble. The hard part is that now that we are all adjusting, it will be a waiting game to see what his situation will turn out to be. It looks like his biological Mom and Dad have quite a bit of work to do. I don't want to wish for other people's down fall but I do really hope that our big guy gets to spend some time with us. It looks like at least six months and definitely longer if Mom and Dad can't seem to get it together.
Right now my life is visits and paper work and visitations with bio-parents. I can't get a babysitter if I want to go out. I have to get permission to take him on vacation or even get his hair cut. Right now I can't imagine not having a social worker visit but if it's what I have to do to get this little one taken care of, you know I will be there to do it. How can I not?? He is such a love!
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