Well... I feel a little better

We got our first ultrasound so we are at 6w1d no heart beat yet but we did see a lovely yoke sac and fetal pole. It is much more than we were able to see before with our last pregnancies, so I am hopeful. I am not off the hook yet and I am still nervous. I still need to see the heart beat so I have to go back next week. I am grateful I go this far. It is truly miracluous!

What the "F___" do you mean I am pregnant?

Yup that's right after being told that I have a 1-2% chance of ever doing it myself, I beat the odds and did it! Well to be honest, my husband did help. :-) Now I have a 50/50 shot of having another miscarriage; I also have a 50/50 shot of the child being just fine. If I were in Vegas I wouldn't have bet on these odds at any table. I am over the moon with excitement and I received really good beta results so far. Everything is looking up and I am completely floored. I get my first ultrasound this week and with any luck there will be a little heart beating. However, at the same time I am absolutely scared out of my mind that I may have to endure another loss.

The mix of emotions is absolutely crazy and I am trying to hold fast to my faith, knowing that it will carry me through this time good or bad. I just can't believe God is giving us one more shot at this. I have to say I am not sure I understand his plan but I am incredibly grateful.

I have no idea what to do with myself which is why I am writing. I spend my days wandering between looking at baby name sites while unbuttoning my pants to ease my bloating and distracting myself with funny videos on YouTube. I think because this came completely out of the blue I feel so attached and yet I am trying to push it away so I don't potentially get let down. How can you not be attached the minute you feel a little twinge in your gut and have a positive pregnancy test? It's something I don't know how to do.

My exuberance has spilled over so much that now my 5 year old daughter knows (she over heard me and my husband talking so we decided to just be honest). Now her entire school knows because she can't keep secrets either and although it is a tad embarrassing, I can hardly blame her. I have decided to look at it as though she can use all the support we can get and her friends and teachers will be there for her no matter how it turns out. I guess that is the only way to look at it right now. I am just really hoping all is going to go well I don't have to face the talk with her teachers.

That feeling of shame and embarrassment after a miscarriage is really hard to explain to people who haven't been through it. Even though you know you have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about you know you will receive pity from just about everyone. I personally hate it. I know in my head that I did nothing wrong but having to say that the pregnancy ended makes you feel like you are two inches tall and the boy who cried wolf. You wonder if people think, "why don't you wait until the second trimester to tell people". You know that things can happen in any trimester and it never is a good time to tell people.

I don't think that is even my biggest fear. I have faced embarrassment before and I will live through it. I think my biggest fear really is losing this child and just being so devastated. I keep telling myself to trust God and trust his gifts. Whatever this road is, he is leading me and all I can do is follow. I can't imagine that God would give us this only to take it away and yet I know he can. His purpose may not be understood but it leads to somewhere and I just have to listen.

So for now, I am just trucking along with one foot forward each day.