Weight Loss is such a bitter topic for me. I have struggled off and on for most of my life with weight issues and nothing messes with you more than being fat. I am Fat! I am a fat chick! I have gone from being over weight to being obese back to being healthy so many times I can't count them any more. What makes me most bitter is the commonly held belief that there is something seriously wrong with you as a person if you are fat.
Regardless of what people say and the media attention given to this issue, most people at their core truly believe that fat people are just lazy and don't care. Any grief that they get from being over weight is some how deserved. I know this from personal experience. I have had doctors make off the cuff comments about you know you just need to get out and exercise a little and it will just fall right off. Doctors are supposed to be experts and making remarks like that, as though I am at just being lazy, is insulting to say the least.
In case you think I am crazy, my metabolism is slower than most so I do exercise and it doesn't just fall off. My step-sister is naturally a size 4 and let me tell you she doesn't exercises. My friend who is 5'6" and complains about being 127 pounds rather than 125 pounds, can eat nearly an entire pizza herself. I have seen her do it! Now to be fair my friend who is 127 pounds does exercise and my step-sister tries to eat all organic and is gluten free due to allergies. However, I know for me I had to eat, 1200-1500 calories a day and do 2000 calories of exercise a week to maintain my 150-160 lbs. You want to know how much it sucks to have to do that? That isn't even "ideal" weight for me according to doctors. I should be under 140.
It is crazy the stuff that I have heard from people, over the years. I had one boss that I travelled to China on business with tell me that having another person who is overweight on the trip makes him more uncomfortable about his weight. Oh awesome! Thanks so much for confiding in me. That doesn't make me insecure at all especially since you are my boss and everything. I have had boyfriends confide in me that I was the largest girl they had gone out with and I wasn't even obese I was a bit overweight but still cute. I have been walking down the street and had young men yell, "Hey Fatty!" out the window of their truck while I was walking down the street with my pregnant work mate.
It is no wonder that the first thing people have to go through in significant weight loss programs is counseling. Besides struggling with self-esteem issues they have to realize that once they get their weight off they may also have to face what it is like to be "average". People who meet them for the first time and never knew they were obese still may not accept them. Instead of the "wow you look great" remarks they may be surprised to find that they get turned down for dates. Mothers still pinch you around the waist. Everyone from doctors who are new to store clerks who have never met you may think those brand new jeans you just bought are a little tight. They may even suggest you lose a few pounds.
It is just so crazy that this kind of behavior occurs and people feel they can say anything to anyone. However, it leaves me in a personal quandary. I still want to lose weight but also I want to stand proud with the "big girls". Being healthy and being a big girl shouldn't be mutually exclusive. I think my own psyche is playing out what the society is trying to do. I am trying to accept bigness and embrace a healthy life style all in one.
Further more, I know that healthy for me is probably going to be 160 and I will probably still be a big girl. I know I can maintain that weight long term. However, every time I lose weight I feel as though psychologically I am punishing myself for being fat and I don't want to do that. Trying to find a healthy balance that I can maintain physically as well as psychologically. I really hope I can achieve that goal and at the same time "stand with the big girls."
Friday, March 19, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
My Fears
Foster care and adoption is a road with it's own bumps. It is hard to describe to others that haven't been through it. People liken it to having your own children but since the process of accepting a child into your home is different and the adjustment is different, it really is its own animal. I think because of that some of the worries are different as well.
Instead of worrying whether the child will be born healthy, I know the child will probably have issues of some sort. My issue is whether I can figure out which problem the child has and whether I will truly be able to handle it. I wonder if we have gone down this path for it only to wind up a disaster.
So, to worry this to the Nth degree and I get all my fears out there, here is my list:
1. We don't find a fit for our family and this ends up being as much of a dead end as fertility treatments.
2. One of us doesn't bond with the child.
3. My husband doesn't actually want to adopt but says he does for my sake and ends up resenting me and the child.
4. There is something terrible wrong with the child that we don't find out until later.
5. The child grows up and hates us.
6. My daughter grows up hating us for adopting.
7. It becomes a much more difficult job than I had ever imagined and I hate it.
So there it is; it's out there. That's my list and it is off my chest. Realistically, I know that some of that could happen but most of it probably won't. We have people to help us along the way so that we aren't facing any of that alone. Measures are always taken by agencies (and by us) so we know we will have a good fit and there shouldn't be a placement disruption.
I also have online and real-life friends that have gone through this. They let me know what the realities are of having a new child come into the home. They of course aren't really that different than having a new baby come into a home. Children get jealous and fight. There are days that one or both children have behavior issues. They will both get sick together and then you will get sick and then the dog will get sick and guess what? you are cleaning up barf for days including your own. It's called parenthood! Have fun!
Honestly though, if I stopped doing things because I was afraid I don't think I would be where I am right now in life. I think this is just another one of those times. I feel called to do this and I love being a parent. I am sure I will get lots more out of this than I ever imagined but for right now I just need to face my fears and move through them.
Instead of worrying whether the child will be born healthy, I know the child will probably have issues of some sort. My issue is whether I can figure out which problem the child has and whether I will truly be able to handle it. I wonder if we have gone down this path for it only to wind up a disaster.
So, to worry this to the Nth degree and I get all my fears out there, here is my list:
1. We don't find a fit for our family and this ends up being as much of a dead end as fertility treatments.
2. One of us doesn't bond with the child.
3. My husband doesn't actually want to adopt but says he does for my sake and ends up resenting me and the child.
4. There is something terrible wrong with the child that we don't find out until later.
5. The child grows up and hates us.
6. My daughter grows up hating us for adopting.
7. It becomes a much more difficult job than I had ever imagined and I hate it.
So there it is; it's out there. That's my list and it is off my chest. Realistically, I know that some of that could happen but most of it probably won't. We have people to help us along the way so that we aren't facing any of that alone. Measures are always taken by agencies (and by us) so we know we will have a good fit and there shouldn't be a placement disruption.
I also have online and real-life friends that have gone through this. They let me know what the realities are of having a new child come into the home. They of course aren't really that different than having a new baby come into a home. Children get jealous and fight. There are days that one or both children have behavior issues. They will both get sick together and then you will get sick and then the dog will get sick and guess what? you are cleaning up barf for days including your own. It's called parenthood! Have fun!
Honestly though, if I stopped doing things because I was afraid I don't think I would be where I am right now in life. I think this is just another one of those times. I feel called to do this and I love being a parent. I am sure I will get lots more out of this than I ever imagined but for right now I just need to face my fears and move through them.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Waiting, Waiting, Waiting.....
I know, a watched pot never boils! It just seems like 1/3 of our lives are spent sleeping, 1/3 of our lives are spent working, and a 1/3 of our lives are spent waiting for something. Oh sure, that 1/3 you are spending waiting you are also eating, brushing your teeth and going to the bathroom. But, if any one of you are like me, you are pretty good at multi-tasking. In fact, the 1/3 of the time I am at work I am also expending brainwaves on waiting. So really I am probably waiting 1/2 of my life for something. I am good like that! Is that impatience or just plain old OCD?
So what am I waiting for? Last year it was this new procedure or that new treatment for infertility. It was waiting in doctor's offices and in exam or procedure rooms It was waiting to take a test. It was waiting to miscarry, not just once but twice. It was waiting to find a donor to try just one shot at using a donor egg. This year it is waiting to hear from Agencies about foster/adoptive applications. Hopefully soon it will be waiting to hear about potential children we can foster/adopt.
Currently we have an application in with SAFY which stands for Specialize Alternatives for Family and Youth. They are a Foster agency that certifies you and then supports you when you get a foster child in your home. They also pay you but not nearly enough to cover the expenses you will probably need to take care of the child. That's ok I am not in it for the money. They are contracted by a number of counties in our area. The county we originally applied with turned around the day before our home study and decided to only use private agencies. They no longer will certify or serve foster children themselves; they don't have the budget any more. So, when a child comes in through DJFS they get processed and an email alert now goes out to all of the private agencies.
It has upsides and downsides, but that is the process now. As a result we had to put in our application somewhere else and that somewhere else is SAFY. We completed a new set of paper work and had our inspections. Now we are just waiting to hear when our next home study will be. Did I mention I hate waiting?
Honestly, I am not sure what will happen when I don't have something to wait for. Right now that day seems pretty far away. I wonder if I will have trouble with out my brain not having something extra to do. Of course by then, hopefully our family will be complete and I will have lots of other things to concentrating on, like being a mom one more time.
So what am I waiting for? Last year it was this new procedure or that new treatment for infertility. It was waiting in doctor's offices and in exam or procedure rooms It was waiting to take a test. It was waiting to miscarry, not just once but twice. It was waiting to find a donor to try just one shot at using a donor egg. This year it is waiting to hear from Agencies about foster/adoptive applications. Hopefully soon it will be waiting to hear about potential children we can foster/adopt.
Currently we have an application in with SAFY which stands for Specialize Alternatives for Family and Youth. They are a Foster agency that certifies you and then supports you when you get a foster child in your home. They also pay you but not nearly enough to cover the expenses you will probably need to take care of the child. That's ok I am not in it for the money. They are contracted by a number of counties in our area. The county we originally applied with turned around the day before our home study and decided to only use private agencies. They no longer will certify or serve foster children themselves; they don't have the budget any more. So, when a child comes in through DJFS they get processed and an email alert now goes out to all of the private agencies.
It has upsides and downsides, but that is the process now. As a result we had to put in our application somewhere else and that somewhere else is SAFY. We completed a new set of paper work and had our inspections. Now we are just waiting to hear when our next home study will be. Did I mention I hate waiting?
Honestly, I am not sure what will happen when I don't have something to wait for. Right now that day seems pretty far away. I wonder if I will have trouble with out my brain not having something extra to do. Of course by then, hopefully our family will be complete and I will have lots of other things to concentrating on, like being a mom one more time.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
