There are just days.....

There are just some days that are so frustrating and sad that it makes me want to cry. Last week I found out from our agency that the paperwork that needed to be signed and sent to the state for our foster/adopt certification hadn't been sent in yet. It has now been sent but it will still take another 2-3 weeks before we are even certified. This week I found out that a child I inquired about can't be adopted (at least not yet) because she was transferred and they can't find an agency in her area to facilitate the adoption. This, on top of the fact that exactly a month ago I had another miscarriage, just stinks! There are just days that I think I wasn't meant to be a mother to anyone else but Lily.

Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter with all my heart. I explained it to my husband like this. It's like planning a party and having only one person show up. You are still glad that your one person showed up and now you think that there will be more cake for the two of you. It reminds you just how special they are. It's just that you really miss the friends that didn't show up. There is part of you that hopes they will  come and still checks the window. Even though you love the one person that did show up, you would gladly give up your cake for the rest of them to be there as well.

I was really frustrated over the weekend and I did a little Bible reading. I realized that I mostly get frustrated when things don't go my way. The fact is that when I try to do everything my way, and it may be the right way, it isn't always want God has planned for me. There is a force (or God which is what I believe) that is driving you toward your destiny and you can either go with the flow or against it. You have to trust that he is looking out for your greater good. Let him lead you and know that everything will happen according to his perfect timing.

It sounds like bunk! Even as I am typing this I know it sounds like b*llsh*t christian rhetoric. No one when they lose a child wants to hear that it was "Gods Plan." Honestly I don't think it is God's plan that children die. I do know however, that things happen for a reason. It may not always be God's reason. The reason that I had miscarriages is that there were chromosomal issues. Better that we don't have to make a choice between an abortion and having to give birth to a child that will only end up dying. I actually thank him that I haven't had to make that choice. Children die every year in orphanages because of poverty. God didn't make poverty.

Yes, God could take away all those things in a second but then that would also take away the one thing that became possible in the Garden of Eden, freedom of choice between him and darkness. He wants us to choose him, he wants us to say yes, I love you Dad. It's not that he needs our love or acceptance, far from it. It's that he can't give help or love to someone who doesn't want it. If we don't love him then that is our choice and he can't force himself on us if he really loves us.

However, for those of us who follow we also know God works with us not against us and helps those who ask for help. As I was reading this weekend I was reminded of Jesus' 40 days in the desert when he was tempted by Satan. What Satan was trying to do was sow the seeds of doubt into Jesus's mind. He tried to get him to prove that God would help him (sowing the seed that it needed proven). He also tried to offer him the whole world if Jesus would just follow him. The lie is that we are separated from God and also separated from our greatest good. Jesus knew he was not separated from God and even though it was his job to die for us, he also knew that it was for the God's (his own) greatest good.

In the end, we are not separated from him or from our greatest good. We only think we are. We just have to remember that, quite ourselves down and listen. He will tell us what needs to be done and where he wants to lead us. The command that is stated the most times in the Bible is "Follow Me." In my darkest times, I am just trying hard to stick to that and listen to his direction.

The most difficult thing for me right now is knowing that the little Russian girl right now is in an institution. She is probably bedridden and won't have a very long life expectancy the longer she says there. I just pray there is a person in the place that she is in, that will look out for her. I pray she has a guardian angel over her just keeping her and all the other children safe. I have been very blessed in my life and if God could just move some of that blessing her way instead then that would make me very happy.