There must be a reason
The day I choose to quit, I get a phone call
There must be a reason
The day I think of giving up
I get a second chance
There must be a reason
The second I think this is too good to be true
I find you!
You never know the outcome, until you travel down the path
It may not be what you expect but with you it will last.
Seek God in all things and he won't let you down
That is why he is in heaven and wearing the crown.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
The Biggest Job Ever
I think finally I have been given a job by God that is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I honestly don't know if I can do this. I think I am going to just have to ask him for support every single day for the rest of my days for this because this could literally just break my heart.
A little over two weeks ago I got a call for little premie twin girls with a possibility of adoption. Of course I said yes and they are an incredible blessing. It is hard and tiring work but I can't imagine it being any different. The truly hard part however, is that there is still a possibility that they may be going home. The dad seems bent on trying to actually parent. I don't blame him really but he is a sex offender, and he may also have some developmental delays. How they can even consider this man to be a father to these children is beyond me. The mom can't parent because she is severely delayed and has only an IQ of 59.
I have to just guard my heart and every day my heart is in my throat thinking that I am doing all this work to help them and I may just have to let them go. How on earth I am going to be able to do that I have no idea. I just pray and pray that He will see me through this because this one I just can't make it on my own.
A little over two weeks ago I got a call for little premie twin girls with a possibility of adoption. Of course I said yes and they are an incredible blessing. It is hard and tiring work but I can't imagine it being any different. The truly hard part however, is that there is still a possibility that they may be going home. The dad seems bent on trying to actually parent. I don't blame him really but he is a sex offender, and he may also have some developmental delays. How they can even consider this man to be a father to these children is beyond me. The mom can't parent because she is severely delayed and has only an IQ of 59.
I have to just guard my heart and every day my heart is in my throat thinking that I am doing all this work to help them and I may just have to let them go. How on earth I am going to be able to do that I have no idea. I just pray and pray that He will see me through this because this one I just can't make it on my own.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
"Just Be" is really about "Letting Go"
I think that one of the reasons that this is my theme this year is because I really need to let go of some things.
The first thing I am trying to let go of is trying to get another child in my life. The hard thing is that I have been with out a foster child in my home for 2 1/2 months. I was very happy with him and we miss him very much. Even if he had stayed he would have had to go back to his dad. It is very hard to remember that most of the time these things don't end up as an adoption. Also, it is pretty likely that I will not be able to have any more children of my own. I need to accept that I may be just the Mom of Lily and that's OK.
The second thing I need to let go of is that I will ever be thin again. I have to face the fact that somewhere in the middle is OK. If I can do that maybe I will be more successful at losing weight and keeping it off. As long as I am healthy that is the most important part. Better to be 20 - 40 lbs lighter and not on high blood pressure medications. I am not 20 any more and I am not trying to look or act 20 years old. I am over 40 and I am not in competition with the younger gals. My metabolism just isn't what it used to be and I really don't need to beat myself up over it. I really don't need to be in skinny designer jeans.
I think we all reach points of "mid-life crisis" so to speak. I wouldn't say this is a crisis but I would say it is a realization that I may not get everything I want in life. I am used to being able to work hard to get what it is I want. The trouble is that I am not able to do that in these situations and it is highly frustrating to me. There are limitations to what I can do. I have to accept that just because I did my best doesn't mean I always reach the goal but that is alright and I will be fine. It is not a failure!
I still have so many other things in my life I should be exceptionally happy about. I am happy about them but it is hard to not focus sometimes on what I lost. This is where "Just be" and "Let Go" come in. You can't "be" until you "let go" of the things that are not allowing you to enjoy this moment. Love really is all there is and if we can fill our loss with that, we can see things new. We can't take away the things that hurt us but we can find a way to move forward.
The other big issue that is keeping me from moving forward is that I know there are two other things I can still try. The first is that I can hang tight in the foster program and just hope one of the children comes up for adoption. We are sort of doing that anyway. However, it leaves me wondering when I might get another call. The second is that I can lose weight and I can try donor embryo. The difficulty is that this keeps that hope alive and therefore my heartache. I can't do anything until I lose the weight so my progress on one is interfering with the other and has the potential to wreak havoc on my psyche. I am trying to balance keeping that in the back of my mind and moving forward. I just need to give it to God I guess and ask him to help me let it go so I can just be.
The first thing I am trying to let go of is trying to get another child in my life. The hard thing is that I have been with out a foster child in my home for 2 1/2 months. I was very happy with him and we miss him very much. Even if he had stayed he would have had to go back to his dad. It is very hard to remember that most of the time these things don't end up as an adoption. Also, it is pretty likely that I will not be able to have any more children of my own. I need to accept that I may be just the Mom of Lily and that's OK.
The second thing I need to let go of is that I will ever be thin again. I have to face the fact that somewhere in the middle is OK. If I can do that maybe I will be more successful at losing weight and keeping it off. As long as I am healthy that is the most important part. Better to be 20 - 40 lbs lighter and not on high blood pressure medications. I am not 20 any more and I am not trying to look or act 20 years old. I am over 40 and I am not in competition with the younger gals. My metabolism just isn't what it used to be and I really don't need to beat myself up over it. I really don't need to be in skinny designer jeans.
I think we all reach points of "mid-life crisis" so to speak. I wouldn't say this is a crisis but I would say it is a realization that I may not get everything I want in life. I am used to being able to work hard to get what it is I want. The trouble is that I am not able to do that in these situations and it is highly frustrating to me. There are limitations to what I can do. I have to accept that just because I did my best doesn't mean I always reach the goal but that is alright and I will be fine. It is not a failure!
I still have so many other things in my life I should be exceptionally happy about. I am happy about them but it is hard to not focus sometimes on what I lost. This is where "Just be" and "Let Go" come in. You can't "be" until you "let go" of the things that are not allowing you to enjoy this moment. Love really is all there is and if we can fill our loss with that, we can see things new. We can't take away the things that hurt us but we can find a way to move forward.
The other big issue that is keeping me from moving forward is that I know there are two other things I can still try. The first is that I can hang tight in the foster program and just hope one of the children comes up for adoption. We are sort of doing that anyway. However, it leaves me wondering when I might get another call. The second is that I can lose weight and I can try donor embryo. The difficulty is that this keeps that hope alive and therefore my heartache. I can't do anything until I lose the weight so my progress on one is interfering with the other and has the potential to wreak havoc on my psyche. I am trying to balance keeping that in the back of my mind and moving forward. I just need to give it to God I guess and ask him to help me let it go so I can just be.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Simple Changes
I went to the doctor today for the first time in almost a year. UGGHH!!! and I am back on my high blood pressure medication again until I lose weight and keep it off. I am just sick of this. As much as I complain about how the world really is very negative about big people, I need to lose weight for my health. It is one thing to cast my die in with the larger lot, but it's another to die because I have let my health get out of control.
On the one hand I hate it! No one likes to diet or exercise. I thought maybe in order to help myself psychologically and physically I won't be as dramatic about my weight loss this time. Hopefully, this way I will see this as helping myself rather than torturing myself and therefore I will stick with it for life rather than fall off the wagon every time I start.
Here is my strategy. I plan on doing simple changes little by little and just sticking with what works. I never stick to going to a gym, I have exercise equipment in the basement I don't use, and unless I like it I won't keep it up for long. So!! I want to find things I really like and keep doing them.
For exercise I plan on walking. I love to walk because it is easy and it is "me" time. My doctor suggested that I wear a pedometer everyday and try to get in 10,000 steps a day. That way I don't have to think about when I need to work out or what else is going on. If I look like I am going to be short I can just walk in place in front of my TV at night. It's not about speed or anything else; it's about getting your steps in.
For eating, I do plan to keep track and maybe to a weight watchers program on-line. However, I think if I focus on trying to get at least 5 servings of fruits and vegetables in a day, that will stop me from eating more junk. This way I don't have to think as hard about my diet.
If I do nothing else but make sure I get more fruits and vegetables in and walk, I will lose weight because my physical output is more and my fatty intake is less. Yes there may be days I eat 5 fruits and vegetables and have a candy bar but theoretically if I am filling my stomach up with good foods I won't be as hungry for junk. Plus, the one day I have the candy bar won't kill me and psychologically I may need one candy bar day a month in order to feel like I am not torturing myself.
I do believe that it may take longer to lose weight. However, if I stick with these things I will lose weight over time and I have a greater chance of keeping the weight off. So, here's too success!!
On the one hand I hate it! No one likes to diet or exercise. I thought maybe in order to help myself psychologically and physically I won't be as dramatic about my weight loss this time. Hopefully, this way I will see this as helping myself rather than torturing myself and therefore I will stick with it for life rather than fall off the wagon every time I start.
Here is my strategy. I plan on doing simple changes little by little and just sticking with what works. I never stick to going to a gym, I have exercise equipment in the basement I don't use, and unless I like it I won't keep it up for long. So!! I want to find things I really like and keep doing them.
For exercise I plan on walking. I love to walk because it is easy and it is "me" time. My doctor suggested that I wear a pedometer everyday and try to get in 10,000 steps a day. That way I don't have to think about when I need to work out or what else is going on. If I look like I am going to be short I can just walk in place in front of my TV at night. It's not about speed or anything else; it's about getting your steps in.
For eating, I do plan to keep track and maybe to a weight watchers program on-line. However, I think if I focus on trying to get at least 5 servings of fruits and vegetables in a day, that will stop me from eating more junk. This way I don't have to think as hard about my diet.
If I do nothing else but make sure I get more fruits and vegetables in and walk, I will lose weight because my physical output is more and my fatty intake is less. Yes there may be days I eat 5 fruits and vegetables and have a candy bar but theoretically if I am filling my stomach up with good foods I won't be as hungry for junk. Plus, the one day I have the candy bar won't kill me and psychologically I may need one candy bar day a month in order to feel like I am not torturing myself.
I do believe that it may take longer to lose weight. However, if I stick with these things I will lose weight over time and I have a greater chance of keeping the weight off. So, here's too success!!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
My Theme for 2011 - "Just Be"
The end of 2010 didn't go so well. To be honest it was a mix of blessings and curses. On the one hand we were able to go on a vacation to Tennessee which was nice but just before Christmas our foster placement had to go on to a new home because we were investigated. On top of it Jonny had some tremendous pressures from work this year. It looks like the first part of the new year is the same.
So, I decided that "Just Be" would be my theme. I think to me it signifies letting it all go and trying to live in the moment. The charges were unfounded and things were dropped. Jonny is a day away from stress relief. I am trying hard to use this time to focus on my relationship with Lily rather than obsess about having more children. There are just things out of my control so I am going to do something else rather than sit and obsess.
I have decided that their are just more important things. It's good to follow a dream but sometimes there are bumps in the road and you can't lose sight of the really important stuff. So part of "just being" I think I am going to do the following:
1. Listen to my body more - lately it is unhealthy and screaming for HELP!! I need to eat more healthy and exercise so I can get off my high blood pressure medication.
2. Listen to God more - Sometimes I forget I am not in control and I try to control the world. It's Gods world and I am a guest in it. Maybe if I listened more to what he wants things would go smoother
3. Hang out with my family - There is nothing better than spending time with the one's you love to show you just what the REALLY important things in life are.
So, I decided that "Just Be" would be my theme. I think to me it signifies letting it all go and trying to live in the moment. The charges were unfounded and things were dropped. Jonny is a day away from stress relief. I am trying hard to use this time to focus on my relationship with Lily rather than obsess about having more children. There are just things out of my control so I am going to do something else rather than sit and obsess.
I have decided that their are just more important things. It's good to follow a dream but sometimes there are bumps in the road and you can't lose sight of the really important stuff. So part of "just being" I think I am going to do the following:
1. Listen to my body more - lately it is unhealthy and screaming for HELP!! I need to eat more healthy and exercise so I can get off my high blood pressure medication.
2. Listen to God more - Sometimes I forget I am not in control and I try to control the world. It's Gods world and I am a guest in it. Maybe if I listened more to what he wants things would go smoother
3. Hang out with my family - There is nothing better than spending time with the one's you love to show you just what the REALLY important things in life are.
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