"Just Be" is really about "Letting Go"

I think that one of the reasons that this is my theme this year is because I really need to let go of some things.
The first thing I am trying to let go of is trying to get another child in my life. The hard thing is that I have been with out a foster child in my home for 2 1/2 months. I was very happy with him and we miss him very much. Even if he had stayed he would have had to go back to his dad. It is very hard to remember that most of the time these things don't end up as an adoption. Also, it is pretty likely that I will not be able to have any more children of my own. I need to accept that I may be just the Mom of Lily and that's OK.

The second thing I need to let go of is that I will ever be thin again. I have to face the fact that somewhere in the middle is OK.  If I can do that maybe I will be more successful at losing weight and keeping it off. As long as I am healthy that is the most important part. Better to be 20 - 40 lbs lighter and not on high blood pressure medications. I am not 20 any more and I am not trying to look or act 20 years old. I am over 40 and I am not in competition with the younger gals. My metabolism just isn't what it used to be and I really don't need to beat myself up over it. I really don't need to be in skinny designer jeans.

I think we all reach points of "mid-life crisis" so to speak. I wouldn't say this is a crisis but I would say it is a realization that I may not get everything I want in life. I am used to being able to work hard to get what it is I want. The trouble is that I am not able to do that in these situations and it is highly frustrating to me. There are limitations to what I can do. I have to accept that just because I did my best doesn't mean I always reach the goal but that is alright and I will be fine. It is not a failure!

I still have so many other things in my life I should be exceptionally happy about. I am happy about them but it is hard to not focus sometimes on what I lost. This is where "Just be" and "Let Go" come in. You can't "be" until you "let go" of the things that are not allowing you to enjoy this moment. Love really is all there is and if we can fill our loss with that, we can see things new. We can't take away the things that hurt us but we can find a way to move forward.

The other big issue that is keeping me from moving forward is that I know there are two other things I can still try. The first is that I can hang tight in the foster program and just hope one of the children comes up for adoption. We are sort of doing that anyway. However, it leaves me wondering when I might get another call. The second is that I can lose weight and I can try donor embryo. The difficulty is that this keeps that hope alive and therefore my heartache. I can't do anything until I lose the weight so my progress on one is interfering with the other and has the potential to wreak havoc on my psyche. I am trying to balance keeping that in the back of my mind and moving forward. I just need to give it to God I guess and ask him to help me let it go so I can just be.